Women Food and God, by Geneen Roth

A few months ago, I read a book called "The Thin Woman's Brain." It was about using cognitive behavioral therapy and techniques to lose weight. I had a realization that I had spent the last 20 years of my life yo-yo dieting. Gain 30 lbs., lose 20, over and over and over again.  I wondered why.  What I wanted most in the world is to be thin. To be an athlete with a body that people envied. Not a fat slob who couldn't even ski one run again this year without having an asthma attack (or fit into her ski pants).  I have been thin. I wasn't happy. I re read some of my blog posts.  I always get to the point where I am almost thin and then I sabotage it in some way.  This time, my doctor wanted me to eat gluten again so I could get tested for Celiac disease.  I ate bread and pasta for a week and I got tested and the minute I tried to go back to being gluten free (after gaining 11 lbs in a week) I couldn't do it.  My will power was broken, again.  I was broken, again.

So, I gained it all back - plus 10 more.  I am now over 200 lbs. The heaviest I have been since I was divorced and close to the heaviest I have ever been in my life. And I am never going to diet again.

I started seeing a therapist that treats eating disorders. I have an eating disorder.  I am a compulsive eater.  I eat in my car where no one can see me.  I eat when Matt isn't home.  I eat and I don't taste and I never ever feel full until I am so full that I feel sick.

The thing about depriving yourself is that at some point you are going to break.  I would restrict my food intake for months at a time - don't eat carbs, don't eat fat, don't eat meat, don't eat gluten, just count points, Jenny Craig, Nutri-system, every single diet there is out there. These diets worked for a time. I always lost weight.

Then, at some point, I would lose myself in vat of ice cream, nachos, macaroni and cheese. And I would not come up for air until I had gained back everything I had lost.

Here's the thing.  If I gained back all the weight that I lost, I could blame my problems on my being a big fatty.  Nobody wants a fatty.  So me being single was because I was fat. Me being sad, or unable to run was because I was too fat.  Can't run on these knees.

My life was filled with excuses.  I don't want to make excuses anymore.

I have read Women, food and God by Geneen Roth twice now, and I think it has changed my life.  I can tell you that I would not have been able to write this blog post without having read her books. I would not have the courage to say that I feel broken.

I am trying to have the courage to admit that I am not broken, even though that is how I feel. I am trying to love myself, and respect myself enough to be kind.  I am struggling.  The story of me being broken is the story I have told myself for 25 years. I have never felt pretty. I have never felt strong. I have never dieted or worked out for JUST ME. It was always to fulfill some ideal that society had set in front of me.

I went on a date with a guy a few times, a few years ago.  He told me on our last date that he didn't understand why he was attracted to me because I was chubby. He was like, but your a sexy chubby.  Like he was trying to convince himself that it was ok to be attracted to me because I was in some kind of my own category. I did not date him again. But I can still hear him saying those words to me.   We are surrounded by images and ideas of what women are supposed to be. Assertive, but not bitchy. Independent, but not too much so (Men need to be needed). Thin. There is no such thing as too thin.

I am losing my point.

I have lived my whole adult life thinking that because I was overweight there was something fundamentally wrong with me.   I have worked unbelievably hard to lose weight so that I would finally be happy. I realized that I wasn't happy either way.  I am learning that I need to stop worrying about being happy all the time and secondly, I can be in the present moment and be happy or sad or angry or whatever and KNOW deep down that I am not broken.

I am not broken.

I am not broken.

I am not broken.

I am Julie.

Paleo

I have started eating a strictly paleo diet.  This means that I eat meat, chicken, fish, pork, any non-carb vegetable, seeds, nuts, berries and other fruits.  No dairy, no grains.

So far - I have lost 4 pounds and have a good amount of energy. I put coconut milk in my coffee and I actually like it better than cream.

I haven't eaten anything with added sugar in 5 days and I am no longer craving Dunkin' Donuts (Thanks for coming to Colorado, Dunkin').  I have only worked out twice - and it was walking 2 miles both times. I am trying to lose 20 lbs before I start running again to hopefully avoid getting injured and put too much pressure on my knees.

I tried to go skiing the other day.  It wasn't pretty.  I took one run down the mountain and didn't have my inhaler.  I had a mild asthma attack - which I recovered from quickly.  The worst part was the pain in my knees.  I only hope that when I lose the weight I need to, I can ski with knee braces.  This used to be my favorite thing to do to get exercise in the winter, and now I dread it...I want to love it again.

I know that I am getting older and will not be able to do all the things I want to do, but I think I should be able to run and ski as a 36 year old woman.

There is no number on the scale that is my goal this time...my goal is to run and ski relatively pain free.

Also, I think I will sign up for a sprint triathlon.

:)

Julie

Back in the saddle (or the sneakers) again...

SO....after my April post about getting to a certain point in my weight loss and hen abandoning the journey - I injured my IT band and totally gave up. I could have done a ton of things to keep moving but I didn't. Now here I am almost a year later, and I have gained back all the weight I lost.  I am not sure what happened. I think that I sabotaged myself, but I don't know why. This will be what I am working on for the next few months. I will try to figure out what goes on in my head when I stop working on something that matters so much to me.

A different kind of post...

So I usually write about teaching or my weight loss journey and I won't usually write about my single status. But lately, I have been noticing that when I say I'm single to people, especially people who are happily en-coupled, I get this look of pity from them. Especially when they find out how old I am (nearly 36).  So, just once I will write why, in my opinion, I am "still" single. 

Here it is, simply put.

I would rather be by myself and alone than in a relationship and lonely.

That's it.  For the last 2o years of my life I have settled because of my fear of being alone and I am not doing it anymore.  I didn't know I was settling at the time (clearly, I defended my relationships tooth and nail - but as they say - hindsight, blah blah blah.) I also didn't know I was afraid of being alone.  I am not anymore.  

So, stop looking at me with pity.

Stop trying to tell me it will be ok, and that I will meet a man someday.

Stop trying to make me feel lesser because of my single status.  

I will be single for as long as I want to be...and then I won't be...and then I probably will be again.  And so will you. It's not a disease, or a time between, it is a natural part of life.

That's all folks.  

It's that time again...

I have reached the point in my weight loss journey where people have started to notice that I have dropped pounds.  Most people I know well have commented on my weight loss.  I even have some pretty obvious progress photos, that I will post at the end of this blog.  Yay me.

Here is the problem.  Every time I have gotten to this point, or close to it...I fall off the wagon. I start letting myself have little treats, or go over my weight watchers points by 3 or 4 every day. (I follow the program where I don't eat the extra weekly points - I use activity points instead.)  And then my progress goes away.  I give up.

Why do I do this? I am not sure.  I have actually been thinking about it a lot lately, especially when I am running, and I am still not sure.  Could be that I start to see results and forget how hard I worked for them, I am very much an "in the moment" kind of person. (Clearly, because that is how I ended up needed to go on this journey in the first place.)    I think that is actually one of the biggest things I need to work on IN ALL areas of my life.  I do plan, but I am very open to spontaneous activities.  I like this about myself.  This quality has allowed me to make changes in my life such as moving to Colorado after my divorce and applying for grad school (twice.) This quality has also allowed me to feel confident in taking a year from teaching to travel and go back to school.   I don't want to erase my spontaneity, but I do need to curb it when it comes to food, and money.  

Yesterday, I went to the gym in the morning and ate within my points all day.  I got home from school, made a healthy dinner and felt very satisfied.  Then around 9 pm, I made myself a bowl of popcorn.  It wasn't too bad, no oil to pop (used plain kernels in a brown paper bag in the microwave) and olive oil spray instead of dripping with butter and just a little salt and Parmesan cheese - all told about 4 points for 3 cups.  I wasn't hungry.  I just wanted popcorn, and because I wanted popcorn, I went over my daily points allowance.  

Once in a while, this is ok.  In fact, I recommend giving in to cravings once a week in order to make sure there is no binge eating after weeks and weeks of denial.  The problem is, that I feel like a floodgate is being barely held back, and that at any moment, the idea of a plate of nachos and a week on the couch is something I deserve after working so hard for three months.  So, what have I been doing to continually hold back this flood of negativity?

Well, first of all, I am trying to retrain my thinking from "I deserve those nachos" to "I deserve to be healthy and active."  It's a hard transition.  I say it to myself A LOT!  Secondly, I am member of a Facebook group called "500+ Miles in 2013" and reading the posts of the members, and what they post to me is VERY motivating.  Having a community of any kind helps with support. Third, the people I have in my life, especially my roommate, are incredibly supportive in exactly the right way.  My roomie has removed all the snacks and things that he likes to eat to his place of work and always eats the healthy food I cook. He also reminds me in a way that is not overbearing of what my goals are...I am not sure why his delivery works...normally I would be resentful of any reminders...but again maybe this time I am a little different and I see that he has my best interest at heart. 

So, this time I will work through the floodgates.  See that my dam is actually pretty strong, and I will continue on this journey instead of stopping for weeks and weeks and having to start again.

March 27, 2012 - Start (197)

March 3, 2013 - progress (185)

April 13, 2012 - Progress (179)

Integrity

At my school, we teach a 30 minute affective needs class every morning. We use this time to teach kids skills to deal with issues related to giftedness and socialization. We teach our 8 guiding principles during this time as well and this month, we are teaching about Integrity.  

A couple of days ago, I gave the students a prompt that asked the questions:

1. Does it matter to you if people think you have integrity - why or why not?
2. If someone did question your integrity - how would it make you feel? Why?

I, of course, thought about and answered the questions for myself before giving them to the students.  I did not think I would be in a situation over the next couple of days the would actually bring my integrity into question.

Yesterday, I was accused of something that questioned my integrity - as a teacher of children and as a professional. I will say right away, just clear up any doubts, I was completely innocent of the accusation.  But, I had to go to the administration and be cleared by them and another colleague.  It was clear immediately that I was innocent and there is no further action being taken.  I know I should let it go, but clearly, I can't.  I am so angry, that I could not sleep last night.

I know my job is safe, and that my admin trusts me - but I am so upset that a person who has known me professionally for at least a year (I don't know who my accuser is..) would ever think for one minute that I would be guilty of the thing of which I was accused. 

I think one of my biggest flaws is embarrassment over people's perceptions of me. If someone I respect doubts my intelligence or my integrity, it crushes me. 

I know there is nothing I can do, except continue to be me and continue to be professional and exhibit integrity, and even if that one person doubts it, I hope all my previous years demonstrate that I am a professional. But it still irks me that their perception of me is SO FALSE!

This is clearly a lesson about the fact that I have no control over what people think of me...You would think that the people that have worked with me for 7 years would not so easily believe something like this...but I guess its easier to believe bad things over good.

The anger and resentment I feel will fade and honestly, I only have to see most of these people for about 6 more weeks.  My pride is wounded.  I think what I take from this experience is that I have no control over what happens, only control over how I react to it...

That's all I needed today...

I'm lapping everyone on the couch.

Yesterday was my longest run to date.  About 4.75 miles total with the warm-up and cool-down.  The whole time I was running, I was saying to myself - "It doesn't matter how slow you are going, you are lapping everyone on the couch."  I kept saying this because there were a ton of runners out yesterday and they all were passing me.  I was super frustrated at first, because I feel so fat and slow sometimes.  It is at these times that I start to derail and fall into my old habits of telling myself that I am never, ever going to be a runner. I am never, ever going to be sleek and muscular like those people passing me...but yesterday was different for some reason.  Those voices in my head that were trying to defeat me were overpowered by some other voice - a much stronger voice that has been getting louder everyday.  The one in my heart that is letting me know that I AM doing this.  That tells me "I AM a runner."

I kept going.  I did not stop and you know what?  I wasn't going that slow...in fact in the month since the DAM run, I have cut about 45 seconds per mile off of my time.  I've gone from 13:16 miles to 12:30 miles.  I think the longer I do this, the louder that voice will get.  It feels really, really good.

I am a runner.

Hey you on the treadmill next to me....yeah you.

I was hanging out on Pinterest the other day and I found a blog of a girl who wrote a letter to the very competitive person on the treadmill next to her.  It was very well written and her feelings about the whole reason behind working out in the first place were very well articulated.

Here is the link to her letter:

Fat Girl Running

I was going to write my own letter, but she does it so artfully, I will let you read hers...and know that this is how I feel as well.

You know sometimes your are listening to a song or reading some poetry and you think to yourself that the person who wrote it must have been inside your head.  That's how I feel about this blog post.

And this is my favorite part:

"I’m competing against myself. I’m beating my own records, I’m out-timing myself. I’m not tempted to creep my pace up to meet your neck breaking pace (which you can’t seem to maintain for more than a few seconds, but that’s neither here nor there.)"

Because that is what I am doing every, single day I head to the park or to the gym.  Beating my time or distance from yesterday. Even if its by seconds or inches.  Because in a year I will beat that time and distance by minutes and miles.

Julie....soon to be a FORMER fat girl running.

Sick.

So I have been sick for the last week and a half and that means I did not work out. BUT, I kept up with my calories and did not gain any weight.  I hate feeling sick and feeling run down. It was easier to stay on track with food, because I have been doing it for a month and I know that working out when sick is SO bad for your body, so I feel pretty good about it.

I went to see my trainer today, and also ran for the first time since last Tuesday.  I feel pretty tired, and my knees are sore, but I don't think I overdid it.  We shall see tomorrow.

It's been a tough week.

I am not sure why I have had a hard time this week.  My family and friends have been so very supportive and encouraging, but I have still struggled. On Monday, I went to dinner at my brother's house and he made super healthy food and he and his wife put out very healthy snacks - I am so grateful to have them both in my life.  They are both chefs and they make the best tasting, healthy food!  We had a lovely roasted chicken and I have never been able to cook one so the breast remains juicy.  I need a lesson or two! Then we had a raw kale salad with apple, avocado, almonds, lemon zest, olive oil and some kind of vinegar.  I think I ate about 4 cups at least of that salad and even had some the next day.

My biggest struggle this week has been with working out.  I ran for about an hour on Tuesday, but that is it.  I knew Monday and Wednesday would be off days for me, but I was not planning on yesterday being off. I woke up with a wicked sore throat this morning, so maybe feeling tired yesterday was because I am getting sick.

I am still going to work out today, but I am just going for a walk, or I might do an hill workout on the treadmill if its snowing when I get home.  I am planning on staying in this weekend for the most part to rest and get my grading done the first weekend of Spring Break - so I should feel better soon.

It's interesting that there is no real reason why I feel unmotivated this week.  I am sure there is something going on the at the hormonal level, I just wish I could pinpoint it so I could counteract it.  I know that because I have gone out a couple nights this week and had a few drinks that I have not slept as well as I have been, so I am sure that is a factor as well.

So, it is at this point in my journey that I usually quit.  I stop running, working out, eating right, go home and eat nachos for dinner, because I feel like I've already lost my hold on everything.  I am not doing that this time.  I have done a TON of good things this week and I am going to focus on that.

1. I ran for an hour on Tuesday
2. I ate healthy every day and still have extra WW points left over for the week.
3. I finished report cards early
4. I made time for 3 different groups of good friends this week and had a great time with each group
5. I started to organize and clean out my closet, and organize all my shoes, purses and winter accessories
6. I had the students fill out their "One Nice Thing" sheets and sent them home with report cards
7. I talked to or chatted with several long distance friends
8. I cooked lunch for the whole week in the crock pot last Sunday and ate what I made all week
9. I cooked my own dinner last night instead of gorging on the taco queso my roommate made for dinner for himself the night before.  (THAT WAS SO HARD!!!!)
10. I emailed a travel agent and started making plans for my Europe trip

So, I will focus on the positive, I will not dwell on my lack of work outs and I will get my ass up off the couch and get outside for the whole week of spring break.

Imagine

Imagine a World Without Hate

Run, Baby, Run

Here are two playlists for a 55-58 minute run!  Happy hoofing, peeps.

Krazy (feat. Lil Jon)	3:52	Pitbull
I believe in a thing called love	3:36	The Darkness
Gangnam Style (강남스타일)	3:39	PSY
Party Rock Anthem (feat. Lauren Bennett & GoonRock)	4:22	LMFAO
Sexy Bitch	3:16	David Guetta Feat. Akon
Some Nights	4:37	Fun.
Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)	3:42	Kelly Clarkson
Just Dance (feat. Colby O'Donis)	4:02	Lady GaGa
Girl On Fire (feat. Nicki Minaj) [Inferno Version]	4:31	Alicia Keys
SexyBack	4:03	Justin Timberlake
Sexy and I Know It	3:19	LMFAO
Everybody Talks	2:57	Neon Trees
We Found Love (feat. Calvin Harris)	3:36	Rihanna
Should I Stay or Should I Go	3:07	The Clash
Dancing With Myself (Glee Cast Version)	3:11	Glee Cast
	56 min

Girl	1:04	Jim Sturgess
These Boots Are Made For Walkin'	3:59	Jessica Simpson
Party Rock Anthem (feat. Lauren Bennett & GoonRock)	4:22	LMFAO
Sally MacLennane	2:47	The Pogues
Pocketful of Sunshine	3:23	Natasha Bedingfield
Some Nights	4:37	Fun.
Heads Will Roll	3:41	Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Ho Hey	2:43	The Lumineers
Bulletproof	3:26	La Roux
Firework	3:48	Katy Perry
Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)	3:42	Kelly Clarkson
Girl On Fire	3:45	Alicia Keys
Dying Day	3:33	Brandi Carlile
Something in the Water	3:03	Brooke Fraser
Let's Get It Started (Spike Mix) [Bonus Track]	3:39	Black Eyed Peas
Keep Your Head Up	3:10	Andy Grammer
Turn Me On	2:35	Norah Jones

                                                                                        57 min

Bumble Bees

An interesting fact: bumble bees have really tiny wings and really fat, cumbersome bodies.  Physics tells us that the ratio of body size to wing size is really important when it comes to flight.  Bumble bees should not be able to fly. Their wings are just too small.  Try telling that to one of them.  They must fly, and so they do.  They flap their wings so fast and so hard, that flight happens for them every single day.

If a bumble bee can fly, in spite of PHYSICS, I can run, eat healthy, be kind, write my novel, stop gossiping, be happy, love greatly, and a multitude of other things that are really, really hard to do sometimes.  So can you.

Have a buzzeriffic day everyone!

Strength

I think its really important to build strong muscles along with losing weight and doing cardio.  There is a lot of research out there that suggests that having a muscular body helps you burn fat and calories more efficiently. So on Saturday, I started back working with my trainer.  I am so sore, but a  good sore - one that makes me feel like I did something good for my body.

I have lost a total of almost 12 lbs.  It is starting to show, which is awesome - I am finally hearing people say "have you lost weight?"

It made it that much easier to make my own yummy popcorn for the movie on Saturday (air popped in the microwave, a little olive oil instead of butter and parmesean cheese) and I brought my blackberries to eat instead of buying and eating candy.  Absolutely satisfying.

I did have two glasses of wine on Saturday night, but I recorded it and well - fun while I was drinking it, but a huge headache when I woke up in the morning.  So, I really don't know if right now I will drink that much...the last two times I have its been brutal the next day.  But I don't want to stop completely, I will just have balance it out with at least double the water I normally drink.

I have signed up for the color run with a bunch of my friends and although its the day after the Cherry Creek Sneak, I am not worried about it. I have been running much longer distances since the last 5K and should be fine.

Happy Monday Everyone!

Dealing with stressful situations

Yesterday was just one of those days when nothing seems to go the way you planned.  I was driving to work and my right rear tire blew out; while I was on the highway.  I kind of knew it was going to happen if I didn't get new tires soon, but I hadn't had a chance to get to CostCo with my roommate - who has our Costco card.  As luck would have it, I was right near an exit, so I head to the off ramp and parked in a little parking lot next to the puppy chow plant in Denver.  Thankfully (and those of you who live here, know) there was no smell because it wasn't too warm out yet.

Now, my Dad taught me how to change a tire before he taught me to drive, and I have done it a ton of times in the past.  For some reason, I could not get the nuts of the wheel cover.  I called my awesome roommate and he came to help me get everything settled.  It should have been a half hour job. I have a good spare, all the tools I need and I know what I am doing.  Well, once he got there and got the nuts off, we could not for the life of us get the wheel off. It had rusted to the brakes.  AWESOME!  So we called a couple Honda places and they said bang on it from the back or roll the car back and forth.  We did both and no such luck. By this point I was about an hour late for work.  So I called the awesome ladies in the front and they helped me get a sub for my kiddos - thanks goodness for them and my awesome sub. We decided if we couldn't figure out how to get the wheel off, we would need to get it towed.  BOO.  Thankfully, my roommate knows a guy and his shop was right near us. We called and he said he'd be there in an hour or so.

So, we waited in the gorgeous Denver morning sunshine and we were just chatting when my roommate had the brilliant idea to rock the car SIDEWAYS!  What do you know, it worked and we didn't need a tow truck after all!

We got the tire changed and headed to CostCo to get new tires.  It only took about 5 hours -LOL

So - the point of all this is that yesterday COULD have been super stressful. I COULD have spent the morning worrying about everything that went wrong.  Instead, I chose to be unaffected by the circumstances and focus on the positive.  The glorious sunshine, hanging with my best friend, getting things on my car fixed and taken care of, the wonderful, wonderful staff at my school that is always so helpful and on top of things.  These are the days that test us.  But here's the thing.  What happened yesterday is so minor in the grand scheme of things.  I live in a world where the worst that happens to me on a bad day is I get a flat on my awesome car on my way to a job that I love.  I just try to keep things focused and in perspective.  Yeah, it was a little inconvenient, probably more so for my coworkers who had to cover my class until a sub showed up, but there's not much I really need to worry about on a day to day basis.

Running helps me to focus and clear my head when I do forget how lucky I am.  I ran for about an hour yesterday and while it was a pretty tough run (new path) I still felt awesome when I was done.  Running is my meditation.  It is the time when I can just forget any worries or stress and just let it all out.

Stress is a real thing - it has physical and emotional side effects - but you need to figure out a way to let go of the things that stress you out - for me its gratitude, perspective and hitting the pavement EVERY DAY.

I need to always remember that I will not have control over what happens to me, but I do have control over how I react to the things that happen to me.

Cheers.

The Mental Game

Someone said about exercise "Your mind quits before your body does."  What a powerful statement.  It is what I have to keep telling myself when I am carrying my extra 40 lbs over the trail that I run every other day.  I know my body can do it.  My body has done it every single time I have had the courage to go to the road and begin my run.  There is a little voice inside my head, and maybe in yours too, that tries to tell me not to try.  It says "the couch is so much softer, the nachos are salty and delicious."  My biggest struggle over the last 15 years has been with my own mind.  I have constantly set goals with weight loss and exercise and not achieved them, not because I can't, but because I am literally fighting with myself.  My attitude towards my own brain is ridiculous. When I tell MYSELF "you can't tell me what to do," or "I can so eat this crappy food, so there," its self-defeating on so many levels.  

So, now I know myself a little better.  So now I don't say to myself "You can't have that brownie" or "you can't sit and watch that show."  Instead, I say things like "your mind quits before your body does."  Then I am still in the same stubborn mind set...but I am saying things to myself that get me moving instead of the opposite.  I also do a lot of visualization.  After I am done with a run or a workout, I feel so powerful and so alive.  When I am thinking about ditching the workout for couch time, I just close my eyes and visualize how I feel when I am done, and it makes it much easier to go out and do it.

Another positive about all this exercise is how much better I am sleeping.  I have also given up drinking for the foreseeable future and not having alcohol in my system has also helped my sleep better.  Which means I have more energy during the day.

I FEEL AMAZING. If I feel this good now, with still 40 lbs to lose, I can't even imagine how I will feel when I hit my goal.

Be Grateful

That's it for today.  Just be grateful.  I have good food in my belly, a roof over my head, good friends, good family and legs that work.  Have a great day and be grateful.

Incredible Change Happens

Mondays.  Weigh in day.  I didn't lose this week.  But what did I gain?  I learned I need to drink a TON of water.  I learned I can run 4 miles without stopping.  I learned that I can still do an hour of yoga - even if I was in child's pose for a good bit of the hour.  I leaned that true friendship doesn't die, it may go on hiatus, but is always there when you need it. I learned I will have just as much fun hanging out with people if I drink club soda and lime instead of alcohol.

What do I have control over?  Who I choose to spend time with.  I can be honest and say "No, thank you."  I have control over when I will eat, as long as I plan ahead and have good snacks in my bag and at my desk.  I have control over what time I go to bed. I have control over what I choose to put in my body.

Overall, I'd say I "gained" a lot this week.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

Don't be upset by the results you didn't get with the work you didn't do.

March 7, 2013

It's interesting to think about how discouraged I have been about my weight loss for the last 15 years. Since I graduated high school, I have steadily gained about 40 lbs-60lbs and I have spent the whole time lamenting and why me-ing. I know why. I eat when I am emotional and when I'm sad and when I want to celebrate and and and... I stopped exercising when I was a senior and only briefly got back into it a few years ago.

I am not going to say it feels different this time, like some magical trip wire has turned something on in my mind. It feels the same. I still want to eat all the time. ALL THE TIME. I still want to sit on the couch and watch Doctor Who all the time. But I am not letting myself. I am living day to day. I set small goals every day. I do not think about the huge amount of weight I need to lose or then number of minutes I want to cut from my mile time. I have those big goals written down so I know what they are, but I focus most of my energy on the day to day goals. Don't eat the snacks in the teacher's lounge. Run today. Drink water today. Complete small goals and make small changes and celebrate small victories.

I am not going to ever stop wanting t stuff my face with nachos, but I can recognize that I have control over my actions and that in the long run, eating those nachos will not make me feel better. In fact, it will probably make me feel worse.

The hardest thing about change is believing that you can do it. Being complacent is the worst emotion I can have. I can make small changes in my life that make a difference today.