Women Food and God, by Geneen Roth

A few months ago, I read a book called "The Thin Woman's Brain." It was about using cognitive behavioral therapy and techniques to lose weight. I had a realization that I had spent the last 20 years of my life yo-yo dieting. Gain 30 lbs., lose 20, over and over and over again.  I wondered why.  What I wanted most in the world is to be thin. To be an athlete with a body that people envied. Not a fat slob who couldn't even ski one run again this year without having an asthma attack (or fit into her ski pants).  I have been thin. I wasn't happy. I re read some of my blog posts.  I always get to the point where I am almost thin and then I sabotage it in some way.  This time, my doctor wanted me to eat gluten again so I could get tested for Celiac disease.  I ate bread and pasta for a week and I got tested and the minute I tried to go back to being gluten free (after gaining 11 lbs in a week) I couldn't do it.  My will power was broken, again.  I was broken, again.

So, I gained it all back - plus 10 more.  I am now over 200 lbs. The heaviest I have been since I was divorced and close to the heaviest I have ever been in my life. And I am never going to diet again.

I started seeing a therapist that treats eating disorders. I have an eating disorder.  I am a compulsive eater.  I eat in my car where no one can see me.  I eat when Matt isn't home.  I eat and I don't taste and I never ever feel full until I am so full that I feel sick.

The thing about depriving yourself is that at some point you are going to break.  I would restrict my food intake for months at a time - don't eat carbs, don't eat fat, don't eat meat, don't eat gluten, just count points, Jenny Craig, Nutri-system, every single diet there is out there. These diets worked for a time. I always lost weight.

Then, at some point, I would lose myself in vat of ice cream, nachos, macaroni and cheese. And I would not come up for air until I had gained back everything I had lost.

Here's the thing.  If I gained back all the weight that I lost, I could blame my problems on my being a big fatty.  Nobody wants a fatty.  So me being single was because I was fat. Me being sad, or unable to run was because I was too fat.  Can't run on these knees.

My life was filled with excuses.  I don't want to make excuses anymore.

I have read Women, food and God by Geneen Roth twice now, and I think it has changed my life.  I can tell you that I would not have been able to write this blog post without having read her books. I would not have the courage to say that I feel broken.

I am trying to have the courage to admit that I am not broken, even though that is how I feel. I am trying to love myself, and respect myself enough to be kind.  I am struggling.  The story of me being broken is the story I have told myself for 25 years. I have never felt pretty. I have never felt strong. I have never dieted or worked out for JUST ME. It was always to fulfill some ideal that society had set in front of me.

I went on a date with a guy a few times, a few years ago.  He told me on our last date that he didn't understand why he was attracted to me because I was chubby. He was like, but your a sexy chubby.  Like he was trying to convince himself that it was ok to be attracted to me because I was in some kind of my own category. I did not date him again. But I can still hear him saying those words to me.   We are surrounded by images and ideas of what women are supposed to be. Assertive, but not bitchy. Independent, but not too much so (Men need to be needed). Thin. There is no such thing as too thin.

I am losing my point.

I have lived my whole adult life thinking that because I was overweight there was something fundamentally wrong with me.   I have worked unbelievably hard to lose weight so that I would finally be happy. I realized that I wasn't happy either way.  I am learning that I need to stop worrying about being happy all the time and secondly, I can be in the present moment and be happy or sad or angry or whatever and KNOW deep down that I am not broken.

I am not broken.

I am not broken.

I am not broken.

I am Julie.

Paleo

I have started eating a strictly paleo diet.  This means that I eat meat, chicken, fish, pork, any non-carb vegetable, seeds, nuts, berries and other fruits.  No dairy, no grains.

So far - I have lost 4 pounds and have a good amount of energy. I put coconut milk in my coffee and I actually like it better than cream.

I haven't eaten anything with added sugar in 5 days and I am no longer craving Dunkin' Donuts (Thanks for coming to Colorado, Dunkin').  I have only worked out twice - and it was walking 2 miles both times. I am trying to lose 20 lbs before I start running again to hopefully avoid getting injured and put too much pressure on my knees.

I tried to go skiing the other day.  It wasn't pretty.  I took one run down the mountain and didn't have my inhaler.  I had a mild asthma attack - which I recovered from quickly.  The worst part was the pain in my knees.  I only hope that when I lose the weight I need to, I can ski with knee braces.  This used to be my favorite thing to do to get exercise in the winter, and now I dread it...I want to love it again.

I know that I am getting older and will not be able to do all the things I want to do, but I think I should be able to run and ski as a 36 year old woman.

There is no number on the scale that is my goal this time...my goal is to run and ski relatively pain free.

Also, I think I will sign up for a sprint triathlon.

:)

Julie

Back in the saddle (or the sneakers) again...

SO....after my April post about getting to a certain point in my weight loss and hen abandoning the journey - I injured my IT band and totally gave up. I could have done a ton of things to keep moving but I didn't. Now here I am almost a year later, and I have gained back all the weight I lost.  I am not sure what happened. I think that I sabotaged myself, but I don't know why. This will be what I am working on for the next few months. I will try to figure out what goes on in my head when I stop working on something that matters so much to me.