Integrity

At my school, we teach a 30 minute affective needs class every morning. We use this time to teach kids skills to deal with issues related to giftedness and socialization. We teach our 8 guiding principles during this time as well and this month, we are teaching about Integrity.  

A couple of days ago, I gave the students a prompt that asked the questions:

1. Does it matter to you if people think you have integrity - why or why not?
2. If someone did question your integrity - how would it make you feel? Why?

I, of course, thought about and answered the questions for myself before giving them to the students.  I did not think I would be in a situation over the next couple of days the would actually bring my integrity into question.

Yesterday, I was accused of something that questioned my integrity - as a teacher of children and as a professional. I will say right away, just clear up any doubts, I was completely innocent of the accusation.  But, I had to go to the administration and be cleared by them and another colleague.  It was clear immediately that I was innocent and there is no further action being taken.  I know I should let it go, but clearly, I can't.  I am so angry, that I could not sleep last night.

I know my job is safe, and that my admin trusts me - but I am so upset that a person who has known me professionally for at least a year (I don't know who my accuser is..) would ever think for one minute that I would be guilty of the thing of which I was accused. 

I think one of my biggest flaws is embarrassment over people's perceptions of me. If someone I respect doubts my intelligence or my integrity, it crushes me. 

I know there is nothing I can do, except continue to be me and continue to be professional and exhibit integrity, and even if that one person doubts it, I hope all my previous years demonstrate that I am a professional. But it still irks me that their perception of me is SO FALSE!

This is clearly a lesson about the fact that I have no control over what people think of me...You would think that the people that have worked with me for 7 years would not so easily believe something like this...but I guess its easier to believe bad things over good.

The anger and resentment I feel will fade and honestly, I only have to see most of these people for about 6 more weeks.  My pride is wounded.  I think what I take from this experience is that I have no control over what happens, only control over how I react to it...

That's all I needed today...

I'm lapping everyone on the couch.

Yesterday was my longest run to date.  About 4.75 miles total with the warm-up and cool-down.  The whole time I was running, I was saying to myself - "It doesn't matter how slow you are going, you are lapping everyone on the couch."  I kept saying this because there were a ton of runners out yesterday and they all were passing me.  I was super frustrated at first, because I feel so fat and slow sometimes.  It is at these times that I start to derail and fall into my old habits of telling myself that I am never, ever going to be a runner. I am never, ever going to be sleek and muscular like those people passing me...but yesterday was different for some reason.  Those voices in my head that were trying to defeat me were overpowered by some other voice - a much stronger voice that has been getting louder everyday.  The one in my heart that is letting me know that I AM doing this.  That tells me "I AM a runner."

I kept going.  I did not stop and you know what?  I wasn't going that slow...in fact in the month since the DAM run, I have cut about 45 seconds per mile off of my time.  I've gone from 13:16 miles to 12:30 miles.  I think the longer I do this, the louder that voice will get.  It feels really, really good.

I am a runner.

Hey you on the treadmill next to me....yeah you.

I was hanging out on Pinterest the other day and I found a blog of a girl who wrote a letter to the very competitive person on the treadmill next to her.  It was very well written and her feelings about the whole reason behind working out in the first place were very well articulated.

Here is the link to her letter:

Fat Girl Running

I was going to write my own letter, but she does it so artfully, I will let you read hers...and know that this is how I feel as well.

You know sometimes your are listening to a song or reading some poetry and you think to yourself that the person who wrote it must have been inside your head.  That's how I feel about this blog post.

And this is my favorite part:

"I’m competing against myself. I’m beating my own records, I’m out-timing myself. I’m not tempted to creep my pace up to meet your neck breaking pace (which you can’t seem to maintain for more than a few seconds, but that’s neither here nor there.)"

Because that is what I am doing every, single day I head to the park or to the gym.  Beating my time or distance from yesterday. Even if its by seconds or inches.  Because in a year I will beat that time and distance by minutes and miles.

Julie....soon to be a FORMER fat girl running.

Sick.

So I have been sick for the last week and a half and that means I did not work out. BUT, I kept up with my calories and did not gain any weight.  I hate feeling sick and feeling run down. It was easier to stay on track with food, because I have been doing it for a month and I know that working out when sick is SO bad for your body, so I feel pretty good about it.

I went to see my trainer today, and also ran for the first time since last Tuesday.  I feel pretty tired, and my knees are sore, but I don't think I overdid it.  We shall see tomorrow.

It's been a tough week.

I am not sure why I have had a hard time this week.  My family and friends have been so very supportive and encouraging, but I have still struggled. On Monday, I went to dinner at my brother's house and he made super healthy food and he and his wife put out very healthy snacks - I am so grateful to have them both in my life.  They are both chefs and they make the best tasting, healthy food!  We had a lovely roasted chicken and I have never been able to cook one so the breast remains juicy.  I need a lesson or two! Then we had a raw kale salad with apple, avocado, almonds, lemon zest, olive oil and some kind of vinegar.  I think I ate about 4 cups at least of that salad and even had some the next day.

My biggest struggle this week has been with working out.  I ran for about an hour on Tuesday, but that is it.  I knew Monday and Wednesday would be off days for me, but I was not planning on yesterday being off. I woke up with a wicked sore throat this morning, so maybe feeling tired yesterday was because I am getting sick.

I am still going to work out today, but I am just going for a walk, or I might do an hill workout on the treadmill if its snowing when I get home.  I am planning on staying in this weekend for the most part to rest and get my grading done the first weekend of Spring Break - so I should feel better soon.

It's interesting that there is no real reason why I feel unmotivated this week.  I am sure there is something going on the at the hormonal level, I just wish I could pinpoint it so I could counteract it.  I know that because I have gone out a couple nights this week and had a few drinks that I have not slept as well as I have been, so I am sure that is a factor as well.

So, it is at this point in my journey that I usually quit.  I stop running, working out, eating right, go home and eat nachos for dinner, because I feel like I've already lost my hold on everything.  I am not doing that this time.  I have done a TON of good things this week and I am going to focus on that.

1. I ran for an hour on Tuesday
2. I ate healthy every day and still have extra WW points left over for the week.
3. I finished report cards early
4. I made time for 3 different groups of good friends this week and had a great time with each group
5. I started to organize and clean out my closet, and organize all my shoes, purses and winter accessories
6. I had the students fill out their "One Nice Thing" sheets and sent them home with report cards
7. I talked to or chatted with several long distance friends
8. I cooked lunch for the whole week in the crock pot last Sunday and ate what I made all week
9. I cooked my own dinner last night instead of gorging on the taco queso my roommate made for dinner for himself the night before.  (THAT WAS SO HARD!!!!)
10. I emailed a travel agent and started making plans for my Europe trip

So, I will focus on the positive, I will not dwell on my lack of work outs and I will get my ass up off the couch and get outside for the whole week of spring break.

Imagine

Imagine a World Without Hate