A different kind of post...

So I usually write about teaching or my weight loss journey and I won't usually write about my single status. But lately, I have been noticing that when I say I'm single to people, especially people who are happily en-coupled, I get this look of pity from them. Especially when they find out how old I am (nearly 36).  So, just once I will write why, in my opinion, I am "still" single. 

Here it is, simply put.

I would rather be by myself and alone than in a relationship and lonely.

That's it.  For the last 2o years of my life I have settled because of my fear of being alone and I am not doing it anymore.  I didn't know I was settling at the time (clearly, I defended my relationships tooth and nail - but as they say - hindsight, blah blah blah.) I also didn't know I was afraid of being alone.  I am not anymore.  

So, stop looking at me with pity.

Stop trying to tell me it will be ok, and that I will meet a man someday.

Stop trying to make me feel lesser because of my single status.  

I will be single for as long as I want to be...and then I won't be...and then I probably will be again.  And so will you. It's not a disease, or a time between, it is a natural part of life.

That's all folks.  

It's that time again...

I have reached the point in my weight loss journey where people have started to notice that I have dropped pounds.  Most people I know well have commented on my weight loss.  I even have some pretty obvious progress photos, that I will post at the end of this blog.  Yay me.

Here is the problem.  Every time I have gotten to this point, or close to it...I fall off the wagon. I start letting myself have little treats, or go over my weight watchers points by 3 or 4 every day. (I follow the program where I don't eat the extra weekly points - I use activity points instead.)  And then my progress goes away.  I give up.

Why do I do this? I am not sure.  I have actually been thinking about it a lot lately, especially when I am running, and I am still not sure.  Could be that I start to see results and forget how hard I worked for them, I am very much an "in the moment" kind of person. (Clearly, because that is how I ended up needed to go on this journey in the first place.)    I think that is actually one of the biggest things I need to work on IN ALL areas of my life.  I do plan, but I am very open to spontaneous activities.  I like this about myself.  This quality has allowed me to make changes in my life such as moving to Colorado after my divorce and applying for grad school (twice.) This quality has also allowed me to feel confident in taking a year from teaching to travel and go back to school.   I don't want to erase my spontaneity, but I do need to curb it when it comes to food, and money.  

Yesterday, I went to the gym in the morning and ate within my points all day.  I got home from school, made a healthy dinner and felt very satisfied.  Then around 9 pm, I made myself a bowl of popcorn.  It wasn't too bad, no oil to pop (used plain kernels in a brown paper bag in the microwave) and olive oil spray instead of dripping with butter and just a little salt and Parmesan cheese - all told about 4 points for 3 cups.  I wasn't hungry.  I just wanted popcorn, and because I wanted popcorn, I went over my daily points allowance.  

Once in a while, this is ok.  In fact, I recommend giving in to cravings once a week in order to make sure there is no binge eating after weeks and weeks of denial.  The problem is, that I feel like a floodgate is being barely held back, and that at any moment, the idea of a plate of nachos and a week on the couch is something I deserve after working so hard for three months.  So, what have I been doing to continually hold back this flood of negativity?

Well, first of all, I am trying to retrain my thinking from "I deserve those nachos" to "I deserve to be healthy and active."  It's a hard transition.  I say it to myself A LOT!  Secondly, I am member of a Facebook group called "500+ Miles in 2013" and reading the posts of the members, and what they post to me is VERY motivating.  Having a community of any kind helps with support. Third, the people I have in my life, especially my roommate, are incredibly supportive in exactly the right way.  My roomie has removed all the snacks and things that he likes to eat to his place of work and always eats the healthy food I cook. He also reminds me in a way that is not overbearing of what my goals are...I am not sure why his delivery works...normally I would be resentful of any reminders...but again maybe this time I am a little different and I see that he has my best interest at heart. 

So, this time I will work through the floodgates.  See that my dam is actually pretty strong, and I will continue on this journey instead of stopping for weeks and weeks and having to start again.

March 27, 2012 - Start (197)

March 3, 2013 - progress (185)

April 13, 2012 - Progress (179)

Integrity

At my school, we teach a 30 minute affective needs class every morning. We use this time to teach kids skills to deal with issues related to giftedness and socialization. We teach our 8 guiding principles during this time as well and this month, we are teaching about Integrity.  

A couple of days ago, I gave the students a prompt that asked the questions:

1. Does it matter to you if people think you have integrity - why or why not?
2. If someone did question your integrity - how would it make you feel? Why?

I, of course, thought about and answered the questions for myself before giving them to the students.  I did not think I would be in a situation over the next couple of days the would actually bring my integrity into question.

Yesterday, I was accused of something that questioned my integrity - as a teacher of children and as a professional. I will say right away, just clear up any doubts, I was completely innocent of the accusation.  But, I had to go to the administration and be cleared by them and another colleague.  It was clear immediately that I was innocent and there is no further action being taken.  I know I should let it go, but clearly, I can't.  I am so angry, that I could not sleep last night.

I know my job is safe, and that my admin trusts me - but I am so upset that a person who has known me professionally for at least a year (I don't know who my accuser is..) would ever think for one minute that I would be guilty of the thing of which I was accused. 

I think one of my biggest flaws is embarrassment over people's perceptions of me. If someone I respect doubts my intelligence or my integrity, it crushes me. 

I know there is nothing I can do, except continue to be me and continue to be professional and exhibit integrity, and even if that one person doubts it, I hope all my previous years demonstrate that I am a professional. But it still irks me that their perception of me is SO FALSE!

This is clearly a lesson about the fact that I have no control over what people think of me...You would think that the people that have worked with me for 7 years would not so easily believe something like this...but I guess its easier to believe bad things over good.

The anger and resentment I feel will fade and honestly, I only have to see most of these people for about 6 more weeks.  My pride is wounded.  I think what I take from this experience is that I have no control over what happens, only control over how I react to it...

That's all I needed today...

I'm lapping everyone on the couch.

Yesterday was my longest run to date.  About 4.75 miles total with the warm-up and cool-down.  The whole time I was running, I was saying to myself - "It doesn't matter how slow you are going, you are lapping everyone on the couch."  I kept saying this because there were a ton of runners out yesterday and they all were passing me.  I was super frustrated at first, because I feel so fat and slow sometimes.  It is at these times that I start to derail and fall into my old habits of telling myself that I am never, ever going to be a runner. I am never, ever going to be sleek and muscular like those people passing me...but yesterday was different for some reason.  Those voices in my head that were trying to defeat me were overpowered by some other voice - a much stronger voice that has been getting louder everyday.  The one in my heart that is letting me know that I AM doing this.  That tells me "I AM a runner."

I kept going.  I did not stop and you know what?  I wasn't going that slow...in fact in the month since the DAM run, I have cut about 45 seconds per mile off of my time.  I've gone from 13:16 miles to 12:30 miles.  I think the longer I do this, the louder that voice will get.  It feels really, really good.

I am a runner.

Hey you on the treadmill next to me....yeah you.

I was hanging out on Pinterest the other day and I found a blog of a girl who wrote a letter to the very competitive person on the treadmill next to her.  It was very well written and her feelings about the whole reason behind working out in the first place were very well articulated.

Here is the link to her letter:

Fat Girl Running

I was going to write my own letter, but she does it so artfully, I will let you read hers...and know that this is how I feel as well.

You know sometimes your are listening to a song or reading some poetry and you think to yourself that the person who wrote it must have been inside your head.  That's how I feel about this blog post.

And this is my favorite part:

"I’m competing against myself. I’m beating my own records, I’m out-timing myself. I’m not tempted to creep my pace up to meet your neck breaking pace (which you can’t seem to maintain for more than a few seconds, but that’s neither here nor there.)"

Because that is what I am doing every, single day I head to the park or to the gym.  Beating my time or distance from yesterday. Even if its by seconds or inches.  Because in a year I will beat that time and distance by minutes and miles.

Julie....soon to be a FORMER fat girl running.